Merely Memories
by SpellboundMist
Summary: One rainy day, Misao realizes what Aoshi really means when he tells her he is a tainted man. Will her love and her memories be able to cleanse his bloodstained blade? for the Shinobi Love June Challenge: Rainy Days


**.Merely Memories.**

It was raining. Again.

I disliked rain. The cloudy sky always brought me a nauseating touch of claustrophobia, as well as the bittersweet feeling of nostalgia.

Today, like most rainy days, I was sitting alone in my room, watching the rain fall outside my window. On the sunny days that came after rainfall, Omasu would always joke that rain washed away my cheerfulness and energy. Maybe, she was right. After all the laughter and flamboyancy gets washed away from me, all that is left is a hollow shell, filled with memories. Memories of sunny days long past and rainy ones too. Days when I didn't mind the rain as much as I did.

Rainy days made me lonely too. I suppose the others didn't want to disturb me, so they let me stay in my room. Rainy days meant slow business for the Aoiya restaurant so I wasn't needed to help downstairs. To be honest, I was never in the mood for talking anyways, but it would have been nice for somebody to sit silently with me and watch the rain. Of course, nobody else really felt like I always did. To them, a rainy day was just another day.

The one person who I figured might be able to relate to me was Aoshi. Of course, there would be no chance of _him_ sitting with me. On rainy days, he stayed at the temple all day and didn't even come home for lunch, which was the only indication that he treated those days differently. But still, his seclusion _must_ bring some touch of loneliness, as it did to me when it rained. I suppose being alone in my room just made me think of him more.

…:…

Somebody knocked at my door. Was it already lunchtime? I couldn't tell, because the sun wasn't in the sky. Surely I hadn't been sitting here for that long.

"Misao-chan?" Jiya's voice came through the door. "May I come in?"

"Yes," I sighed.

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to disturb you," the old man said, poking his head into the room. "There's some housework that needs doing."

"Can't you ask somebody else?"

"I'm afraid not," he smiled apologetically, "A group of seventeen travelers just came into the restaurant and everybody is busy serving them. We might not even get a lunch break until later in the afternoon. Please, Misao, just this once. There isn't that much to do."

"Fine," I checked a sigh, "What do I have to do?"

"Just some dusting," Jiya explained. "I figured that since Aoshi will be out all day, you could clean up his room."

For a moment, I couldn't think of anything to say. Clean Aoshi's room? I walked past it every day, and every time I took a peek inside, it was always meticulously neat and tidy. Why did I have to clean his room?

"Hai," I stood up and brushed past my adoptive grandfather out the door. As I made my way down the hall, I could feel his eyes on my back. I could see his face in my mind, his eyes filled with worry and sympathy, arms crossed as if to keep from reaching out to me. Only when I was safely downstairs did I relax.

Maybe a repetitive task like dusting would be good for me today. I went to the cupboard to get a cloth before going back to the stairs. I watched Jiya come down and disappear into the kitchens. I frowned after him for a moment before making my way upstairs to Aoshi's room.

Sliding the door open, I stepped silently into the room. As always, everything was neat and organized. The furnishings were simple; a bookshelf stood on the far wall beside a Western style chest-of-drawers, a wooden desk with a matching chair behind it, and the futon folded neatly in the corner.

_What am I supposed to dust? _I wondered idly as I walked over to the desk. There were a few pieces of paper, a writing set, a lamp, and some small figurines. I left the papers where they were and picked up a lopsided clay kitten. I remembered myself making that with Beshimi's deft fingers to help me. Frowning as I realized that the memory of Beshimi's face was evading me, I ran my cloth carefully over the kitten and put it down.

The next thing was a wooden paperweight carved to look like a dog and a cat curled up together. I had seen it at the marketplace and bought it for Aoshi a few weeks after he returned from the Shishio incident. It had been more than a year since then, and the reason why I had chosen it seemed silly now. I cleaned it and put it back.

The third item I picked up made my eyes widen. It was a kunai, but an unusually small one. Picking it up with hesitant fingers, I unwrapped the cloth from its handle and saw my own name etched into the metal underneath. Hannya had given me a set of these kunai, having gone out to have them personalized. The white mask was still familiar in my mind, but the face beneath it was not. My heart seemed to quiver. Hannya been the one who kissed me goodnight all those times, unmasked. Why did his face appear blurred and hazy now?

I wrapped the cloth back around my name properly, and went on to wipe the table. I tried to be careful but one of the papers was knocked to the floor. It flipped over as it fell, and I gasped as I recognized my own writing. I picked the paper up and read it, although I already knew every word. I had written it the day after Himura left for Shishio's place, after he had promised me to bring Aoshi back. The words were shaky and some of the ink was smudged. I remembered pouring my thoughts out as tears fell down my cheeks and some landed on the paper. I had realized that no matter what I said to Himura and the others, Aoshi was still the one who I loved. I could try to push him away all I wanted, and remember all those cold words he had said to me, but he would always be precious to me. Perhaps it was because he was the one last connection to my friends, or perhaps it was something else.

I took a deep breath and laid the paper back, face-down at the bottom of the pile. A gust of wind slammed a torrent of rain against the closed window, making me flinch. Then I realized that after I had written that, I had pushed the paper into my drawer, under the kimono I had never worn. In fact, I was sure I had done that, but how did it end up on Aoshi's desk? I cringed as I realized that meant he had probably read the contents. I tried not to think about it as I ran my cloth over the lamp carefully and made a mental note to refill the lamp oil later.

I was mindlessly running my cloth across the top of the chest of drawers when something pulled at me. It was a strange feeling of compulsion; as if somebody were calling my name and I _had _to see what they were calling to my attention. I looked around the room, but there was nothing to indicate that I hadn't imagined the feeling. I shook my head; the rainy day must have gotten to my head. I decided that I would go and lie down for a bit after eating lunch.

Compulsion tugged at me again. It wasn't so much a physical feeling, but more like my mind wanted to go somewhere I wasn't. I turned on the spot slowly, and I felt the tug strongly when I faced the wall that the futon was folded up against. Frowning, I turned all the way around again, with the same result. I walked toward the futon, pulled by the invisible force.

The rational part of my mind told me that I was being ridiculous; I was probably imagining it all. But another part of me, the dominant part it seemed, felt that what I was doing was just…_right_. Somehow, I understood but at the same time did not. I knelt by the futon.

Without my mind willing it to, my hand reached out and shifted the end of the futon, revealing something black. Leaving my cloth on the floor behind me, I reached out and drew the object out with both hands. It was Aoshi's kodachi sheath. Puzzled at my own actions, I ran my hands across the scratched wooden sheath. There was nothing special about it, and the compulsion was back.

I drew one of the blades carefully. Nothing. I resheathed it and slid the other blade out. I held the hilt of the blade carefully while laying the sheath with its twin back down. Turning it over, I looked carefully but there wasn't anything that made me feel as though I had found what I was supposed to be looking for. I was about to resheath it but the blade touched the hand that I was holding the sheath with.

A tingle ran up my finger and an image surged through my mind. Hannya's body was flying through the air, his mask cracked and his face contorted with pain. Blood spewed everywhere and a rush of nausea made my stomach flip.

I squeaked and dropped both sheath and blade in shock. Luckily I didn't cut myself.

Now I understood. Sort of. I hesitantly reached for the hilt of the kodachi once more, but the tingling didn't return. _The blade. It has to be the blade,_ I realized. I laid my other hand on the blade gingerly-----and was engulfed by images and emotions.

The first thing I felt was nausea. It was as though a roiling taint were spreading through my very being, putrid black oil oozing through my veins and rotting my soul. I smelled blood too, metallic and stale, as well as dying flesh, sickly sweet.

But the images were sharp and clear. Himura's familiar face, changed by seriousness. His lips were moving but I couldn't hear the words. There was a blur of movement and an explosion of hot, acid blood. Another blur, and Himura was pushing himself up with his sword, three deep cuts across his chest. Red liquid dripped before my vision.

There was another blur and Himura disappeared in a deep blackness. When vision returned, a feeling of pride and determination that was almost tangible fought against the taint. And almost won.

_There is no place in this society for men like us, whose one skills are fighting. _Hannya's voice reverberated through my mind. I wasn't hearing the words, they were inside me. The forgotten face returned, clear as ever. His eyes looked sad and almost regretful.

_Despite this, our Okashira never deserted us. _Shikijo spoke now, and I recalled vividly that broad face with scars crisscrossing it. I saw the gentle smile that he always saved for me, but now, like Hannya, it was tinged with sadness.

_The least I could do was make sure that your names would be graced with the name of the strongest who ever were. _Aoshi's voice. My heart clenched with pity and worry.

More words were exchanged, but the taint rolled through me and it was all I could do to keep the images clear in my mind. I had the feeling that if the taint made me release them, I would lose them forever, and the taint itself would destroy me.

Fire erupted before my eyes. The Gatling gun. A feeble looking man with glasses stood behind the machine, his eyes glinting with crazed excitement. He turned the handle of the gun, laughing maniacally as the bullets sprayed everywhere. Fear and defiance streaked through the oily taint. Hannya fell as Aoshi's body collided with his. Blood. Pain. Aoshi fell to the ground, his legs pierced by three bullets.

Kanryuu's mouth moved as he spoke, and anger boiled through almost as strong as the taint. I felt like throwing up; it was a good thing I hadn't eaten anything since last night's dinner. Horror mixed with the anger as everything slowed down. Kanryuu was turning the handle of the gun again, and the fire flashed towards me.

An agonized roar sounded through me, and the taint surged higher, threatening to engulf me. Shikijo's face reared up before me, contorted with pain, his mouth open with that bloodcurdling scream pouring out of it. Blood sprayed everywhere as countless bullets buried themselves into his broad back. Shock coursed through the taint. I felt a distant pain from my own body; my hand was clenched around the blade or Aoshi's kodachi.

_A face like that doesn't suit you, Okashira. I'm glad that my training as an Oniwabanshuu hardened my muscles so that I could use it to shield you. _

Helplessness replaced shock and the taint washed over my heart. Shikijo's eyes dimmed and he fell. Aoshi's broken expression swam before my eyes.

Rage swept through me as I watched Hyottoko run towards Kanryuu and his gun, Beshimi clinging to his back. The handle turned and Hyottoko bellowed as his massive bulk was riddled with bullets. Blood sprayed everywhere as Beshimi leapt from his comrade's falling body. A dart left his fingers as the first bullet pierced the centre of his chest. He flew backwards as the bullets ripped through his small body, and he landed screaming beside Hyottoko.

_I'm sorry, Okashira, we let you down. _Hyottoko's pain-filled face twisted as he forced a smile.

_I guess we were useless when you needed us the most,_ Beshimi's head tilted back to look at his Okashira. The familiar pointed face did manage a smile before his eyes closed.

I bit my lip until it bled but the pain was nothing against the taint that rolled over me in torrents. A moment later, Hannya appeared in my line of vision, running.

_Farewell, Okashira._

His body flew up with the momentum as bullets flared and his body was torn through. Blood sprayed everywhere.

Desolation seemed to tear my heart from my chest as everything went black. Dead. They were dead. And now I finally knew what had happened. This was what haunted Aoshi day after day, night after night.

But there was one more thing. It was a voice, but so dim that I could barely make out the words. It seemed as if they had been pushed away and forgotten for too long. I focused all of my will to catch them.

_These men did not waste their lives. _ It was Himura's voice. I heard myself crying out in the distance.

I opened my eyes with an effort and took my hand off the blade. Blood dripped form a cut in my palm that I had gotten from gripping the blade too tightly.

The things I had just witnessed were gone now, no longer vivid but only memories. The thing that did remain, however, was the taint. I felt sticky and rotting, I wanted to take a bath, I wanted to feel the raindrops on my skin, and I wanted to wash everything away. I brushed the blade with my fingertips.

_I cannot place flowers here for your graves, but I promise, one day I will._ Aoshi's voice. In my mind, an image of four jagged stones shone brightly.

I shrieked as the oily taint churned in my stomach and covered my soul with rot and corruption. Gripping the hilt of the kodachi in my hand, I stood up and ran to the window. Throwing it open, I leapt out. Aoshi's window overlooked the garden, so the back porch was just under it. I landed, almost slipping on the slick wet tiles, and jumped off onto the ground.

_I must cleanse this blade._

The rain soaked me through entirely in a matter of minutes. My hair dripped into my eyes and the taint only surged up every time I moved. I crumpled to the ground in the middle of the garden path. I let the hilt of the kodachi fell from my fingers, but the taint did not diminish. I couldn't stop myself from picking it up again.

_I must cleanse this blade._

I laid the blade across my knees and put both hands on it. The faces of my four friends flashed through my vision again and again. Sometimes, they were smiling like I remembered from my childhood. Other times, their faces were contorted in pain, their mouths open in silent screams of agony. Most of the time, their eyes were vacant with death. I felt the reality of their death pressing down on me, and the taint inside me threatening to explode and leave me in little pieces.

_I must cleanse this blade._

I felt the tears coming. The faces of the Oniwabanshuu were gone, replaced by vacant staring eyes of people I did not know; people Aoshi had killed. My tears rolled down my face alongside raindrops. Every time a burning tear hit the kodachi blade, the taint seemed to retreat. The faces of the dead were growing dimmer, fading away. I cried endlessly, my tears washing over the blade like the rain, washing away the taint of death.

_I must cleanse this blade._

Aoshi often told me that he was a tainted man. And only now did I fully understand what he meant. I didn't know how long I sat there in the rain, crying with the blade in my lap. The taint receded, leaving me with a sense of emptiness and loneliness.

_I must cleanse this blade._

I was wet and numb with cold. The things I had just gone through had scoured out my insides and left me weak and exhausted. I longed for warmth, and the company of other people. I wanted to go inside, but I had no strength to stand up. I stayed there, alone on the ground, crying in the rain as my tears washed the blood and pain from the cold metal beneath my fingers.

_I must. I must. I must._

I heard the back gate open. I looked up and saw a familiar tall figure coming in. Gathering my strength, I pushed myself to my feet and hurled myself in his direction, the blade still in my hands.

_Aoshi…_

He was suddenly there, in front of me, and all around me. I staggered and his arms went around me, supporting me, holding me. I felt the blade slip from my grasp at last.

"Misao what are you doing out here?" worry laced his voice as he knelt and held me against his chest.

"I cleansed…..your blade," I murmured weakly. He stared at me with a puzzled expression, and moved to pick up his sword. I watched his beautiful azure eyes widen in realization as his hand came into contact with the blade. Smiling, I let myself relax. I felt warm and my mind was fuzzy. Aoshi was saying my name and shaking me, but I was too tired. Blackness beckoned to me and I closed my eyes to fall into it.

…:…

I opened my eyes. For a moment, I couldn't figure out where I was, and why I was so warm. While I slept, my dreams had been happy ones, filled with memories of a younger me and my Oniwabanshuu friends. There was movement beside me and I drew my attention to it.

I was lying beside Aoshi on the futon in his room. I blushed as my thoughts reeled. Everything came back to me and I gasped.

"Are you alright?" Aoshi's deep voice brought me back to my senses. He was sitting up now, looking down at me worriedly.

"Yes," I muttered, wishing my face didn't feel as though it were going to burn off. I had just registered that Aoshi was topless, and I was clad in an unfamiliar yukata. It was probably one of his.

"Did I-----you-----" I fumbled for words.

"I apologize," he replied smoothly, "It was necessary to get you into dry clothes, or you would have been very sick."

"It's alright…" I looked away. Slowly, I pushed myself up with my arms and sat. I closed my eyes as the room started spinning. When I opened them, everything was where it was supposed to be.

Something heavy was placed in my lap.

"Look," Aoshi said. It was the kodachi. I hesitantly reached out and put my hands on it.

A sweet feeling filled me to the core, a feeling of joy and innocence. My lips parted in a smile as memories of me and the deceased Oniwabanshuu flickered through my head. Hannya holding me up on his shoulders, Beshimi teaching me to aim with my kunai, me laughing in glee as Hyottoko spewed fire, and Shikijo tossing a laughing me up into the air.

"Misao…"

The kodachi skittered across the floor as I threw myself at a startled Aoshi. We crashed to the floor with my momentum. For an instant, I was lying on top of him, but then I was flipped over so that he was looming over me.

"Thank you for everything," Aoshi said huskily while I was still in the middle of registering the fact that his gorgeous face was only inches from mine. He continued as if my furious blush was nothing. "All this time, you've been by my side but I couldn't let myself reach for you. In the end, you were the one to cleanse the taint. Who would have thought…"

"I-----" My voice was unbelievably weak, "No need to thank me, I…um…"

His eyes seemed to glow with sudden warmth. "Yes, there is. And I intend to do so with all the effort I can muster."

"Ehh…."

"Misao, tell me the truth now," He whispered, lowering himself so that his nose was a hair above mine. I shivered involuntarily in excitement and anxiety. "Do you mean it when you tell me you love me?"

I was speechless. Did he just---? Despite all my fantasies and daydreams, I never truly believe he would come to this.

"Answer me, Misao."

It was unfair for him to use the Okashira voice on me. The sweet bliss from the blade was still reverberating through my mind. I nodded mutely. I added a hoarse 'yes' when his eyebrows came together irritably.

"Good."

That last word was barely audible, but I didn't have a chance to reply because he lowered his lips onto mine. A different sort of bliss filled me, and everything swirled into one—almost tangible--happiness.

…:…

Hours later, I lay on Aoshi's futon wearing absolutely nothing. Aoshi was asleep beside me, but I had been a little too excited for sleep. This was literally my dream of eighteen years coming true, and I didn't regret any of it. I let my gaze pass over Aoshi's slumbering features, relaxed and calm. He was wearing no more than I was, but the blanket was over both of us. I smiled to myself for the millionth time, thinking about the small number of words he had said to me.

Finally, I lay back and closed my eyes. Reaching out, I slid my fingers around Aoshi's and felt his hand close around mine. Maybe he wasn't asleep after all. But nothing really mattered now. As I felt myself drifting into sleep, with Aoshi's warmth beside me, I felt like all my worries were gone.

Moving over, I snuggled into Aoshi's chest and he put his arms around me in response. I couldn't hear any raindrops coming from outside, but I had a feeling that I wouldn't be so bothered by the rain anymore. Now, we were together; he had promised me we would be, now and forever. From here on, our pasts would be merely memories.

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**Notes: I wrote this for the Shinobi Love June Challenge, and it's the first time I've tried writing for a challenge. thank you to the three of you that read it over for me, because of my extreme lack of self-confidence. Hope this turned out okay, and please review! **

**Disclaimer: All Rurouni Kenshin characters belong to Watsuki-san. Any standard disclaimers also apply.**


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